My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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