I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
