I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
