I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
