Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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