i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
