Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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