Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
