It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
