its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
