so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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