it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize