just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
