his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
