Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
