Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
