I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
