My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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