Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
