She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
