I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
