Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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