my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
