As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
