Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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