i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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