dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
