I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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