I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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