i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
