he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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