Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
