He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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