it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
