the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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