I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
