I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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