Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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