like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
