Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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