i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can I color on your dick again?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
