if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
