You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
