I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
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look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
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When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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