the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A bitchslap is in order.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
