i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp