yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.