remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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