Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
