So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
