Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
