I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
