just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
