bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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