I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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