i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm like, not good at living.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
