im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
