We named our party play list daddy issues
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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