I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
