The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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