...so i touched it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
