Soap is not a condiment
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
